April 13, 2009

Fatal Error Prayer



Mostly a miserable winter a shitty March & April isn't better...no improvements here...feelings without validation correction or comfort...must be nice to be without personality defects character flaws or deeprooted anxieties...to always be cool focused busy & wanted...I wouldn't know...just trying to stay alive in this coldhearted indifferent wilderness..inexpressibly roiling roller-coaster feelings...inexplicable mysterious compelling deeply-unreasonable feelings... imbalanced anger sorrow loss panic and dread...empty broken flawed distracted FURIOUS neglected SLAMMED!...hurt proud defiant teary humiliated miseried irritated agonzed tormented anguished afflicted inflamed cold stunned blocked benumbed...EMOTIONALLY NUKED!...call out the guard!...set up a perimeter and fields-of-fire!...claymores!...stay back motherfuckers I'll send you straight to hell...HA! HA! HA!...

Revelatory inspiration revisited...50 pounds of notebooks thrown in garbage!...lost art lost writing lost things...LOST COUNTRY!...lost families...lost visions...lost child lost wife lost women lost pride lost money lost tools...lost jobs lost family...lost friends...lost ambition...lost hope lost lost lost!...lost my way...lost handsome manly looks didn't know I had till lost...grasped finally but lost...unrecoverable...not even plastic surgery could fix this!...O great loss of original historic recordings Managua's frenzied nighttime peoples' celebration Danny Ortegas's inauguration...100,000 Sandinistas!...beneath unbelievable full moon with Margareta pressed to my side...



..music so hot...big band lots of drums..."Hot! Hot! Hot!"...her filmy violet dress that never got dirty...Fidel & Daniel standing 30 feet from us and up 10 feet overlooking crowd with 10 eagle-eyed bodyguards scanning for guns and suspicious characters...Margareta so happy so warm alive joyous...her eyes drinking me with the scene...later she drank Nicaraguan rum and we didn't make love...we made love a year later when she came to New York...then returned to Nicaragua together and she drank rum and we made love again after showering in house abandoned by cowardly Nicaraguan doctor fled to Costa Rica...Sandinistas said he couldn't pat nurses' asses anymore...only third time making love after first time in YMCA bedroom Alexandria Virginia...we had to convince Christian desk clerk we were married and didn't wear rings...Why not? We don't believe in them!...how we lied and laughed about it in the room...at least she had principles...don't let them get away with anything the phony Christian bastards...she a communist...wish I could be but I can't blindly follow orders...screw all your orders you're only human like me and I make a million mistakes a year...but I know in my heart that's the way...strict discipline!...Marxism-Leninism works to make a revolution but not to sustain it...she loved Nicaraguan rum so smooth she said but I wasn't drinking then...why don't you drink she asked...I lose my inhibitions against ugliness I say...hmmm she said in her incredibly natural & musical melodic Swedish voice...I'll never stop hearing...savoring rum...gazing so level objective & loving at me...you're right you shouldn't drink you're not ugly...what a woman...unbelievable happy lovemaking coming together so rare...I miss her more than all the others...yep that's right she was the one all right only I wasn't...no emotional controls then and not too many now who gives a damn?...I DO!...but it hurts to hold it in anymore THAT'S A LIE!... take it or leave it I don't give a damn...OH SHIT!...how would she understand that even I don't...standing there under the full moon drenched in music love & triumph I thought O please don't please don't let me please don't let me lose this one she's so nice it's so beautiful it's perfect it's what I always wanted...please not this time...one more chance...YOU MUST REMEMBER I ASKED!...standing there with someone so committed so ready even to die for her cause...poor of the world..she took big risks!...Contra would have been happy to capture torture & kill her...you think it's bullshit you don't know...anywhere poor people are warred on communists are there fighting & dying for them don't believe the fucking capitalist propaganda...If They admit it at all they write "The communists are only doing it to make themselves popular."...NO SHIT SHERLOCK!...she made me brave too...But she never mentioned that stuff and never blinked an eye when I was secretly afraid for her...Did you come to New York to recruit me for the Communist Party I asked...she paused a beat said No you are pre-party...not ready for prime time she meant...communists mean business don't believe the bloody lying fantasy-creating shit-eating pretentious power-sharing capitalist "news" media...Pretentious reporters editors and "pundits"...communism isn't dead and can't die it's an IDEA asshole...ideas don't die...there for the picking floating in airless Mind lucky if you ever meet the Original...they form the core spawn auxilliary-ideas & notions & evolve & change like everything else...Plato was right THEY EXIST!...A FORCE OF COSMIC NATURE!...MORE COMPLEX THAN A SPEEDING BULLET!



communism like capitalism assumes form and character or the lack of it of people who try it...mean-assed Russians gave it a bad name...made communism mean centralized & heartless corrupt and violent like the heedless violent lying Leninist Bolsheveki...God he was clever!...Read "Lenin in Zurich"(Solzhenitsyn)...of course they were reacting to the vicious vowed-endless-war of capitalist nations...75 years unremitting war to topple Soviet communism...head-chopping bloody French scum of the slums gave Revolution a bad name...after our educated Founders gave it a good one!...EVERYBODY LOVED AMERICA!...you need the rich guys don't cut their heads off or put them against a wall unless they did that directly and not indirectly understand?...you don't punish their families for born-rich...you punish bad behavior with intent to correct it to nurture life...but what's the use?...there ain't no real revolutionaries here...except the cultural & spiritual ones...is that the way?...I don't know...I'm too anti-social & disgusted for your cultural revolution loners can't participate and as for spirituality...I'm only making recordings here...don't even know if He wants me to do this...He must I'm doing it...I don't know anything about That...I just believe that's all I can do...It's a Mystery to me...

Yeh don't let me lose her tear down my cheek...lost forever..."I got every reason on earth to be sad/I just lost the only girl I had"...Beatles had it down...ah what's the use wondering where she is who she is with what she is doing...does she still have that dress?...probably with Physicians Without Borders in Afghanistan or Africa...where did I miss the boat!...lost...She wanted to marry me...come to Sweden she said...thought I was still married to Joey 20 years later she never told me her self-divorce was official...coldhearted avoidant...JESUS CHRIST SHE WAS MINE!...she would have married me in Washington...ah who cares it all turns to bugshit anyway...we turn to mud and bugs recycle it for God...Who is in every bug eating it up...ALL INTELLECTUAL BULLSHIT!...

Wes says take 10 deep breaths before you up & walk out throw your computer your cellphone your debit card your clothes tools books your writing your van and yourself in the Mississippi River...good old Wes so cool calm collected accomplished intelligent & loving...what would I ever have done without him despite 20-year estrangement...

standing on sidewalk outside Mojo Coffee House...coated & sweatered...night too cool waxing quarter moon on its back...ever see moons on Arab flags?...does anybody know what that means?...tell me please...changing traffic lights redyellowgreen...greenyellowred...yellowredyellow...standing tense and focused on the lights I take 10 deep breaths ignoring incessant popping in my ears I've had since Oak Ridge doctor removed my tonsils age four...my sister was getting her infected tonsils out might as well take Mike's too...they did that all the time...he'll need one sooner or later...free from makers of atom bomb!...unnecesary tonsilectomy I was always healthier than Pat...thanks Doc...now you know why I can appreciate Celine with constant ringing in his ears from bomb blast...it drives you crazy!...talking in a barrel most of the time...pulling air in hard to open sinuses...maybe people notice & it turns women off...THAT'S THE ANSWER!...horseshit...nothing works...it's the damn low pressure area...internal pressure pops eardrums out...eardrums loose or stretched from eye ear nose & throat doctor who put hose in my nose and blew on it...long time ago...sinus pressure untreatable earaches got so bad mother took me to him three times...each time painful and never did any good...only lifelong popping popping popping I'm more accurate than the weather bureau...know when it will rain...pop will stop when I stop...breathing.

Then the trip to Masaya on slow coal-burning train Marines built in 1920's...windows open...coal smoke...four hours for 20-mile trip Maragareta wanted to ride it...staying night in motel making love part of it...best picture of her at breakfast table a warm friendly smile so beautiful what a gal...smarter than me that's for sure...braver...damn sight better looking too...she thought I was handsome!...showed my picture she took of me on Brooklyn Promenade to her friends in Sweden saying isn't he something?...I was 45 then...and walking thru town before it woke on a Sunday looking for coffee...we're addicted!...me lugging both our bags like I think a man should but I resent it...her's heavy with documents...getting tired...she passes up only restaurant a working-class place we found don't know why...suddenly I'm exasperated I can't just say so I HAVE TO THROW THE GODDAMN FINGERNAIL CLIPPERS...YELLING FUCK IT!...she is startled who wouldn't be what sane person wouldn't be?...BEGINNING OF THE END!...I did it to myself why?...O grievous mistake!...Last chance to dance...she liked to dance too. Fatal error...BLUE SCREEN!...Doesn't take much...push the wrong button...get things out of order...can't let up for a minute...Don't shout...don't throw fingernail clippers...don't tell anybody the whole truth...don't cry over Pushkin...don't resent carrying heavy bags & passing up only restaurant in town...don't express it!...don't get pissed off awakened four times to fix sheet...be a man...strong...cool...calm...collected...understanding...tolerant...silent...able to leap tall buildings at a single bound...charge a machine gun nest...smoke Marlboros...Join the Marines the Marines build men...don't tell Swedish medical doctor high commie official she's an asshole...don't fall in love with young women...don't think you can ever dance like her...don't volunteer...stay back!...don't put yourself out there...be invisible...YOU'RE OLD!...ought to have it down by now...try to get thru rest of life not making waves...sit back...relax...don't talk...be an old man...go fishing...don't even look at them...catch up on reading...give up...surrender!...what good does it do?...Buy new model Brainwash Television...flat screen...




Kiss my ass I'm not surrendering to anybody but God...don't feel old not gonna act like it either...sure I look it so what?...you should see me dance when I'm alone not suffering someone's looks...I've got the old soft shoe DOWN!...all I need is balance...swing my arms...clap hands...soon I'll be as good as Bob Hope...maybe find someone to dance it with what a lark!...ha, ha!...look at that old guy doing the old soft shoe!...dancing on his own grave...the tools the jobs the fools the mobs the lost the ruin the cost the tune the frigging war I can't get off my mind...only thing that matters now...CAN'T YOU SEE THE BLOODY THING IS GOING ON EVERY FUCKING MINUTE IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME!...IT'S WORLD WAR THREE OUT THERE GODDAMMIT!...the bloody suffering poor people world-around...Thai army shot hundreds of bullets into triumphing fighting crowds two days ago!...More murdered families CIA Predator victims in Pakistan!...how play my part...don't give up...and the writing such as it is...maybe this why He let me live...nothing else makes any sense...but how to do it?...what to say?...only this for now...I'll do my bit there must be something I can say...give me time...Please...no more fatal errors...give me a breath here for Christ's sake I learned it already.

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