December 7, 2013

Not the Hokey Pokey

Of course she thinks of me. How can she not? They all do. Because I do. I know how it is. Not that she thinks of me as much as I think of her. Only now and then I am sure. She has her life. I can't imagine how it is with her, how she has changed, what she has done, what she has become. The same is true of her if she thinks of me at all. She can't imagine. I have changed. Maybe I have become what she wanted me to be. She can't know. Neither can I. I know how I have changed since knowing her, know how knowing her changed me. I have never stopped thinking of her. I know that she thinks of me too, even if she hates me. Especially if she hates me. We remember what we want to forget and forget what we want to remember. I remember so much and so many people that I have known. Especially the ones that I hate. Yes I hate. I surely do. Perhaps it is wrong. I don't know. It is human. A sure way to remember is to hate. Hitler has nearly gained immortality because so many hate him. I hate him. I hate everybody like him. I hate bullies. But I have been one too. I confess. I don't know how anyone not perverse could love Hitler, but I suppose there are some.

I wonder about Hitler's memories. He must have had a good memory because he evidently hated so much and so many. But I am not Hitler and don't want to be. Yet I hate. Is it a burden? Yes. But isn't nearly everything? Even love must be a burden. I wouldn't know. I love nature and that is about all. I cannot think of any people that I love though I used to think so. I was wrong. I didn't love any of them. I never loved myself either. It seemed vain and useless. I confess. What if Hitler's hate was a variety of love? What if he loved those Jews and communists that he murdered? Is it possible? Nearly everything is possible, I'm told, except invisibility and men bearing children. Perhaps even that is possible. I hope not. Invisibility would be nice though. What better security, what better power?

I lost a lot of people to death. Some of them were friends. Most were not. So probably have you. I don't know how it could be another way. I am here, they are gone. It happened. Afterward everything seems inevitable. It happened. They died. Nations vanished. Except from old documents and maps. They will disappear too. Everything does. We say it was inevitable. That such and such is no more and so and so was supposed to die. Who can argue with that? Nothing can change it. We can lie about it and take drugs and get drunk to forget but it happened. It was inevitable. But the future is not inevitable. There is no future, so how can it be inevitable? There is no evidence of it just as there is no evidence of life after death or of the existence of a soul or of angels or devils. We believe what we want to believe and hope there is a god that cares about us but there is no evidence of it. The future does not exist, it never arrives. Only the past leaves evidence and the present is composed of the past. The past is always here even though it is gone. We live in the past whether we admit it or not.

We want to believe in god and hope there is one. But there might be many gods. We don't know. We can claim that there is no god and rage against it and whatever but we believe deep down that there is one, or many. How else explain this mystery of existence? Perhaps there are many gods. Why not? I would like to believe that there are, but my conditioning has habituated me to believe that there is only one. Yet I wonder. I strain against my conditioning. Most of it was false instructions. My teachers were ignorant and I am ignorant too. We live in a fog of superstition. We struggle against it but it is there. Ignorance. Let us assume that there are many gods. Power mad. Struggling against one another for control of a portion of the vast universe. Controlling stars and planets and the beings upon them. I like to think that there are. It is more interesting than one unknowable god that refuses to tell us anything about what we are and why we are here and what we are supposed to do.

Our minds and conditioning tell us that there are universal laws. We can see that there are. Stars are born and burn billions of years then explode or implode. Planets circle them in regular order. Sometimes they get knocked about. Everything dies as far as we know. Rocks crumble to dust or become sand. Water washes it into finer particles. Things disappear and become something else. There must be laws to govern these processes so we strive to discover them. Often we are wrong and have to revise everything.We think we have it figured out but if we have why do we go on questing? Looking for more knowledge and more. Sending rockets to outer space with cameras and sensitive equipment to tell us what is out there. It is our nature to seek knowledge but what for? To know. Perhaps we enjoy the pain that knowledge brings. Maybe we are a masochistic species. Even pain we believe is better than death. Because non-existence is our worst fear.

If we believed in god and a heaven and a better afterlife it seems we would hasten toward death as the fanatic Muslims do. But we do not. According to the vast majority of unbelievers those Muslims are crazy to be blowing themselves up. But the religions of our forebears are false too. If we believed in their afterlife we would try to be moral and good so that we could get there but most people do not. We would have no fear of death but we do. Pain hurts but we prefer pain to death until the pain becomes so bad we long for it. Pain hurts but no fancy stone tomb can substitute for the wonder and even temporary joys of life or even its suffering.

The greatest joy is matched by an equal measure of despair. Only the Buddhists and Taoists seem to have an answer. Kill desire. Expect nothing. Live in the present and ignore praise and blame. You won't be disappointed if you expect nothing and are affected by nothing. Forget every minute. Make your mind a blank slate if you will have peace. Get rid of your ego. Don't do the hokey pokey. Don't even think of it. Think of nothing.

Aha! I caught you thinking. Is it a joke? Is life and universe a cosmic comedy to entertain the impossible god? Is it a fantastic dance of the gods? Then let us dance. Isn't it pleasant to think so? Isn't it better than the horror movie outside? Than the shame and degradation we see around and within us? It is.

What if she thinks of me as much or more than I think of her? If she really hates me she does but I don't hate any of them. I don't love them either.

Let us dance. Not the hokey pokey. That's a phony dance created to dull your mind. Let us dance a lovely waltz. A tango. The old soft shoe. Isn't it beautiful? Isn't it fine? A modernist waving of arms and legs and movement of hips. Sexy dance. A careless shaking and trembling of limbs, a frenetic rocking and rolling. Whatever. Let us dance and forget. Rock and roll. Alone if nothing else. In your room. Even without music. Let's dance until we die.

But for god's sake say something worth the listening. Don't yap ceaselessly. Think before you yap. It drives me crazy, your endless meaningless words. Your television addiction. Your football brain.