April 3, 2009

Don't Think About It



windy warm morning on Magazine...sky pale blue & white fleecy edge...sparrows like flies outside Mojo Coffee House ...are the males prettier for a change?...barometer rising but sky lowering...tornado weather...dark & windy...later, egg-sized raindrops slapsplat pavement like maddened drumbeat no rhythm just a cosmic wet sloppy hiss kiss...fat lady waddles past connected to IPod...truckroar birdchirp doorslam innumerable inexorable engines buzzing by...pollution controls now...we can't see poison anymore...wind in my ear...finally a mockingbird livening things up...this one speaks exotic languages I don't recognize...they work all day and night finding hapless nests to cannibalize but no lovlier birdcalls...on acid I stood beneath palm tree Flamingo Park Miami Democratic Convention protests 1972 listening to mocker at least two hours entranced...felt he was singing for me...felt it was appreciating my appreciation...bird stayed as long as I stayed but when I departed to wander after a girl who gave me a sexy look he split too...she didn't...that was a nice night upstairs over the hardball court...never saw her again...was she the one...DOUBTFUL...the One doesn't exist...



it's a lie there's someone out there made just for you...a soulmate HAH!...it's a romantic fiction someday you'll meet your soulmate...it's total bullshit that love is forever...wishful thinking...forever isn't forever...there is no forever...only this lousy moment, truck broken down, glasses lost, nearly-broke, jobless, blood-clotted, cold all the time...an unbelievable erection for Ramona the bartender...otherwise turning off to people I don't want to see 'em don't want to know 'em don't want to meet 'em...want 'em all to just stay the hell away from Mike...closing the window...no time for bullshit...train coming...but who am I kidding I can't live like that anymore...time to get serious..focus...like her...don't think about it...just don't think about it...all right I won't...think about something else...


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...blood stream energy pump skittering brown magnolia leaf scraping pavement...clicking heels tall woman don't think about it...don't look at her don't...storm of inborn passion inborn nature storm inborn storm of pain inborn desire stormy rising desire...don't think about it...the birds the bugs the lizards the dogs the rats the cats the bats the gnats the bees the trees the butterflies...STOP IT!...dummy!...dumb dumb dumb dumb!...when will this convoluted confusion of mind end?...when these feelings depart?...little kid on father's chest looks at me seriously as if to say Who are you?...just an old man writing in a leatherbound notebook with an embossed butterfly...stop..STOP! TENHUT! PRIVATE HAVENAR YOU LOOK LIKE A MONKEY FUCKING A FOOTBALL! YES SIR!...WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME PRIVATE?...SIR YES SIR! WE ARE GOING TO DO FIFTY SQUAT JUMPS TO TEACH PRIVATE HAVENAR THE PROCEEDURE!...ONE! ONE! ONE! ONE! ONE! WHEN PRIVATE HAVENAR DOES IT CORRECTLY WE WILL GO ON TO TWO! ONE! ONE! ONE!



...a year later strong-legged and confident cruising the bar-brothels of Okinawa Philippines Hong Kong and Taiwan...lovely small Asian girls in western clothes...two dollars short time five dollars all night...they gave real smiles too and no hurry G.I...paydays drinking and going with one after another...one payday eight women from dusk to dawn...didn't know what I had...lousy lover too...wham! bam!...you know the rhyme...but Asian girls know how to treat a man...YES, AMERICAN WOMEN, Asian girls respect men...at least they did then...no matter the marines raped women all over the island after the battle..."First night marines go liberty I fuck with 62 marines...all night all night one after another I so thirsty so tired they not let me stop..." 20 years later mama-san Madam laughed about it...she still had a man now and then...what would she have been without gangfuck?...hard young marines killing their way north...fucking every thing in sight...and Russians revenge-raped every woman they could catch in Berlin ...nazis had raped their way through Russia...fewer on the way out than going in that's for sure...Russian armies swarming on them like killer bees...their wives their girls their mothers their daughters their sons their sisters raped tortured killed in war-rape barbarism the war against women...remember this when bemoaning lost tragic Jews as world's most-important victims...some women killed their girls and their mothers sisters aunts grandmothers and themselves to escape all-day all-night orgies of violent sex-depravity in houses where they were taken regardless of age...all documented!...soldiers coming in all day for a taste...some females died fucked to death...internal bruising & bleeding torn vaginas and anuses...died of friction died of grief died of shame died of lifelong trauma memory...war...isn't it nice?...so heroic! such noble causes!...saving the world from communism!...from capitalism!...from anarchy!...from slavery & injustice & insecurity & godless! for democracy!... for freedom!...for justice! for God!...all noble causes...a load of crap...Hemingway knew...Celine knew...does she know?...don't think about it...pins, razor blades, hatpins, don't think about it...go back to the dogs the rats the bright blue coffecup the waning half-moon...the lizards the liars the losers and late-comers actually talking reasonably about effete intellectuals springing trap of mental conformity & donning strait-jacket of political correctness costumed for MEDIOCRITY!...am I hearing right?...it must be a joke...



ah who cares the plane's gone/don't think about it...whatever you do don't mention it and stay off the phone...let batteries die...must I go to this fucking party tonight?...do I have obligation?...yes... look I'll go but I'm only trying to get laid...don't tell me not to think about THAT goddam you old bag trying to make me feel old...get lost...go have dinner with Time the stinking thief...I'll try to get focused...serious...busy...take yoga class to get out of lifetime lonester isolation it's now or never do or die...this damned coffee always lukewarm...write all day write all night write till you drop...park van take pills sleep like I'm dead get up & do it again...suddenly a great weariness...why do I suddenly want to talk with Dylan?...hey Bob what about love hah?...he knows it's a broken brain a scarred heart a wornout empty slowdown feeling when you lose...when you lose...but who's losing?...who's losing what?...who cares?...I already lost it before it's nothing...I usta care...I still care but no more feeling too much...BIG MISTAKE!...remembering Masaya...don't think about it...when I don't threw the...don't think about it...fingernail clippers yelling FUCK IT!...clippers breaking apart on impact across the early morning deserted plaza...hungry kids chasing the shiny pieces...it scared or discomfited her...for christsake quit thinking about it...and the other time in San Juan del Sur she waked me four times to fix the fucking sheet too-small for flopdown bed afraid of bugs...I sprayed it goddammit don't worry...Finally I get furious, she jumps me hugs me tight so tight I can't get away until I calm down go outside sit in easy chair under the moon while she laid there worrying did she make a mistake...commies can't make mistakes...in Masaya she disappeared for an hour...told me to go to Bocana de Paiwas to interview Sandinista priest...okay not a problem...next day taking taxi all the way to Esteli only ten bucks more than a hundred miles...overcharged!...hitching to Bocana lonely roads...that strange bell again...



pigeon lands, examines me with red Terminator eyes...cocks head where's the food?...flies away...all I want...all I want is give it back give back the thrill...give me back Margareta give back Cindy give back Jill give back Joey give back for only a week what I never had in first place so I can explain!...ha, ha!...what the fuck...the thrill's been gone...Time the Thief took it with the optimism the confidence the talent & excellent health he stole...my own fault for living...any minute now I'm gonna get it together...soon as I stop smoking...I'm gonna get a grip...get moving...take yoga class...focused and busy that's the plan...be like...don't think about it!...her...organize mind ah who the fuck are you bullshitting?...organize an anthill...train spiders to guard museums...get out meet people talk banalities...Hi how are you I'm fine how are you?...UGH!...no no no no WRONG ATTITUDE!...yes I know get a grip..."get real"...right...don't be silly...that's your problem you know you're not serious...yes I am...no you're not...yes...no...look you can do it...get serious loosen up have a good time...




are you serious?...yes..."get serious" and "have a good time?" give me a break will you?...contradiction in terms...you can do it...yes I can do it but first I must quit smoking...I'll get it together then...cold turkey!...any minute now maybe after this smoke...dunce!...you'll quit when you're dead you like it too much...dunce cared once... but any minute now I'll pull it together...you can do it...yes I can...just don't think about it...know what?...what?...I don't think about it...you don't?...No I don't...what do you do?...I feel it...don't feel it...how do you do that?...just stop that's all...just stop?...okay I stopped...I don't feel it anymore...I don't feel anything...that's silly...you said before I'm silly...you are...so what?...just chill that's all...okay, there's another one with her tits hanging out here she comes...don't...wow...think about it...looked right through me...just saw an old man and looked right through me...it's human nature...fuck human nature it's a pain in my balls I'm a human being goddammit what about my nature?...chill Mike...what about my feelings for Cindy after all these years?...forget that...what's the point?...Joey?...don't think about it...Jill...don't think about it...Madeline...don't think about it...ah Madeline my sweet comic Parisien lover...no bad feelings there...wondering what happened to her...she went back to France & daughter Janette getting med degree at Sorbonne...son Tommy probably in prison...Madeline took great pains to protect Janette told Tommy to go climb a tree that's what boys do...He smoked when I came around he was 10...Madeline, you let that kid smoke CIGARETTES?..."Mike, he's a BOY, what can I do?"...jesus christ woman do the same thing you do with Janette...would you let HER smoke?...but he's a boy...I stopped his smoking had him running a mile with me in a month...me feeling guilty my own son back in New Jersey without me and being a father to a kid in North Carolina...fucking Joey with her refrigerated heart...see why I am such a screw up?...the bloody truth is all...but you're too hard on yourself...maybe so, maybe so...it's a habit now...someone's got to do it & there's no one else...aw poor guy you feel so sorry for yourself...go fuck yourself okay?...it takes nearly nothing to turn me on it's been so long...expose a body part that's all...all it takes...a pretty face healthy breasts a nice ass the curve of a calf the turn of an ankle...nice-looking gal tending bar last night as I drank Coke & wrote in back room...goes to give me a hug...I tell her don't hug me it gives me a hardon...she hugs me anyway...I get a boner...she feels it and laughs...my kinda gal...she's taken of course...She's waiting for her lover to get mean on her then she will dump him...I tell her I just jumped the line and what I am prepared to do to her...she smiles nicely thoughtfully and says "I'll keep it in mind"...but she drinks...too bad...no point getting involved with an active alcoholic...bad for her too...nice gal though...smart funny mouth very frank she's been around once a stripper...I like this kind...no bullshit...I tell her I am out hunting pussy...she laughs and says she'll keep her eyes open for a slut...I say a slut is fine but tell her what I want no games okay?...okay...Mike Mike Mike that's all you think about...yeah well you go 10 years without sex and tell me how you feel...why did you go so long?...ah hell I don't know I just got tired of being rejected that's all...I was alcohoic & depressed...nothing good ever came of it...you just gave up...maybe I did...what made you change?...she did...DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!...it was that hug...turned me on you know...I didn't know I could still be switched on like that...now I can't switch it off...I DON'T WANT TO!...ah think about your problems...battery dead, broke, no job till next week...computer scaring me to death if I lose these documents...blue-screened twice in a week...three hundred bucks to fix a $250 computer...hock 16' ladder tomorrow to get through weekend...what else?...sledgehammer, toolbox full of tools...drill...fancy vinyl stainless steel folding table...lotsa things...don't worry about it...I don't...I'm getting it together...soon as I quit smoking...nearly quit this morning waking without any...driving around two hours getting bid ready no time but bought a pack anyway...so damned tired...maybe cancer is back sucking my nutrients...clouding brain...yeah didja ever consider that my brain might be screwed up?...maybe when old cradlemate Roy beaned me at five with that little baseball bat he scrambled brains permanently...everybody thought I was nuts growing up...they didn't say so...sent me to a shrink after terrible nightmares wouldn't stop...waking screaming screaming screaming lights going on all over the neighborhood my parents and grandmother trying to stop me it going on for 15 minutes or more until exhausted...shrink gave me Rorschact Test they all looked like butterflies to me...proably wrote I had no imagination...but I was collecting butterflies then...now I realize Rorschact made by someone blowing nose on blotting paper and folding it...probably take a realist to tell a shrink that..."It looks like someone blew his nose on a piece of paper and folded it"...I was raised for Romance...all revolutionaries are romantics...no shit now...it's the greatest adventure in the world especially when you know you can win...secrecy & speed & study & testing the enemy's responses...probe, withdraw, attack when victory is certain...attack where you are not expected to attack...be formless...oh it's a science and an art...give it up Mike you ain't no revolutionary...that's right I'm a liberal again...forgot...middle of the road slightly to the left...works for me...take this revolution and shove it...strange about Roy Chauvin though...a fine artist...drew and painted like a pro when he was a kid...said he'd stopped because he didn't want to compete with his mother...weird...I was shocked...she was good but not that good...Roy just gave up became alcoholic then stopped then started then stopped then died of dementia...ex-wife had to feed him in the end or he would have starved...hadn't seen him in 15 years popped in one night going thru Beaumont to New York...he felt my 36-year old muscular arm and exclaimed "Mike you look so good! So strong! I am so glad man you made it"...yeah I made it...all our lives he called me "darling" to mock his mother but he was a coonass and it always made me laugh...Roy the only one who knew what I went through with Mickey and he loved her almost as much as me...more...ah shit I try not to miss the dead...gotta find his grave & give it a visit...so what now?...bringing out an previous model of Mike putting it back in service...the way I was before Cindy before Joey before Madelilne before Jill before Margareta before STOP IT her...from now on it's pussy...fuck love...remembering Bill the killer saying "Man I can't believe what a fool you are over a bitch"...him sitting on my balcony making silencer, saying he was "packing heavy & light," lifting coat revealing a .357 and a .38...me wondering if he's making silencer to do me with...not unlikely...he said he liked to kill people, told me about three he had done...believed him too...three days later I had a van bought hidden & packed when he was away from downstairs apartment and rolled out of Vegas daytime when he was working through the desert simply disappearing dead broke unregistered no insurance...switched license plates behind a restaurant...Rex Schenehagen driving 50 miles across Death Valley to give me a hundred bucks...won't let me pay it back...best friends old friends...other marine friends save two all dead or vanished...me too soon...so what...I'm ready...been ready...bring it on...meanwhile no more bringing myself down looking for love for companion for sharing for intimacy...back to before...before them all before Depression before alcoholism...before drug abuse before Margareta...don't think about it...before loss before death before 10 years without sex...before DON'T THINK ABOUT IT...chill...only chance...chill. Remember you've got a real friend there...Be grateful...Okay I'm not thinking about it...Shut up...I put it with all the other its I don't think about anymore...Stop!...Okay I got it now back to normal...Thanks Celine. Thanks Allen. That helped. Ha, ha!

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