May 8, 2009

Poof!



Ahh...same old round world with paper-thin mantle of miraculous life in slow-motion storm of universal Nature...endless births endless deaths...whole galaxies obliterated over light-years of millenia unimaginable...I am a speck on a molecule of a gene on a string of electro-chemical mathematical formulae longer than Milky Way stronger than dirt...writing nonsense on this planet...feeling powerless and slightly bored...feets do your stuff...no don't...I have to be in New York in July...okay I'm going to turn over a new leaf and not complain anymore...ha, ha!...in yer dreams babe...I didn't even know I was complaining...I thought I was just griping as usual...isn't there a difference?...probably not...well I didn't mean to imply that anything was bugging me...everything just hunky-dory here...couldn't be better...apparently...nobody wants to hear complaining...hi how are you fine how are you fine...

It's half-naked woman night in this place I guess...young gals dressed for love running around pulling on their short pants...laughing...they're having a ball!...every night a party!...they stay together!...fast-talking fast-walking in and out of the bathroom ebullient you figure it out...one of them told me not too long ago that "women run the world"...who knew?...inspired me to write my first porno script...my wife used to tell me Mike you should write pornography...never tried it...tonight I read some female erotica in a new bookstore here...amazing you'd think it was written by a man...my fantasy for sure!...what if women really wrote that?...then there's hope...how can I meet them?

Probably already did as they passed me by nose in the air looking thru me...But I finally arrived back in my natural mind...finally again I can look at something feel nothing and just keep looking at it...don't rush me I'm a slow thinker okay?...anxiety a new phenomenon in my life...what a relief it's lessening...waiting for it to do whatever it does...I don't look away from people if I see them at all...I look at 'em and wonder why they are there in front of me...sometimes I stare ignoring polite hypocrisy not really looking at you...I wonder why are you sitting there before me?...am I supposed to talk to you?...am I supposed to resist the temptation to talk to you?...am I supposed to speak to you so I can be humiliated?...why did you look and nod at me?...do you want to know me?...do you want me to know you?...or was it just another meaningless nod another bullshit gesture of bourgeois so-ci-e-ty?...am I supposed to nod back?...what if I don't...what if I just look at you and wait...do you have something to teach me?...am I supposed to do something for you?...are you an omen a warning a lesson or a potential lover?...were you sent to kill me?...did you read something I should read?...is there something you feel like telling me?...do you want to dance?...can I feel you up?...would you like to fuck?

some positive feedback finally on all this scribbling...good criticism from Jason who actually read the whole blog...hope I learned something...not going to dump this easy style though...YES I STOLE IT FROM CELINE!...sue me...deny me the Nobel...go ahead take a shot...ha, ha!...I know the rules so I can disobey them...I don't know what it is about my deprived life though...the broker I get the less I care...strangely lucky no appetite...hot coffee a doughnut a bagel a two small yogurts a bowl of grits all day...not even hungry...and gaining weight finally...140 now...up two pounds in two weeks...must be the Half-and-Half I started adding to coffee...soon I'll weigh what I weighed in 9th grade.



Okay I accept it I'm old...I admit it I'm tired...some days all I want to do is sleep...blood pressure 87 over 54 today...nurse said are you alive?...of course I've always been more or less disgusted nothing new there...that's not likely to cease...I don't know if it's accurate to say I'm depressed...when I'm depressed I'm suicidal and that isn't happening...How can I ever be an artist it's hopeless HOW COULD VAN GOGH?...pro-active?...what does that mean?...to always be doing something positive I suppose...take yoga join a group go to an event listen attentively say your piece & know they didn't even really see you...naw stay a loner you selfish bastard why change horses in mid-stream...you can't change the world it changes you back...poof! now yer a monkey...yeh okay just to show you I can do it today I am going to try to stop smoking...I've had the gum forever waiting my decision to stop...I'll start chewing it when this pack is gone...if I'm not nuts by tomorrow this time it will be a miracle.

All in all it's been an unusual week...I asked Warren Buffett for a loan a grant or an outright gift of money...waiting a reply...waiting...probably making its way through the proper channels...it might already be at General Delivery I better check later.

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