Smitten

smitten bitten stricken biding hitching war zone mortars cut wires old skinny men in doorways talking about beheading and cold steady rain of anger washes my sadness away the bastards the bloody fucking bastards! hoping loving joyful meeting showering laughing singing wonderful SQUASHED!! in Masaya stricken broke borrowed sold out betrayed abandoned damn that was my move/over murderous Guatemala City DESPAIR! frustrated bitter angry hurt withdrawn/lonely thru stinking Mexico City everybody out of work not even an earthquake to stimulate business/busride full moon babyshit urine-smell pleasant Mexican mothers/accepting rejecting resolving cold morose withdrawn pissed focused THE STUPIDITY! suspicious customs agent sees my Nicaragua stamp & destroys my Brother electronic typewriter! THANK YOU! I hate your highways. I hate your fucking President Reagan too, I tell him in parting. and riding through fucking TEXAS! bullshit state with $100 million highways $50 million ranches $200,000 trucks $57 million shopping centers! everybody driving a new car or truck! motorcycles that cost more than HOUSES! houses like little square crackerboxes for squares/BILLION DOLLAR MALLS! fucking airports like dandelion seeds jetliners a million dollars a foot millions without healthcare! sadassed white men hanging in jukejoints listening to crying-in-your-beer music & bragging about their dicks/their cars/their women/their children/their President/their Country/their favorite television show/their lawns/their flag/their army/their RIGHTS! their FREEDOMS! HA! HA!HA! THEIR FREEDOMS! they are free to eat shit/o murderous polis of America don't phone for a pizza tonight take that phone and stick it up your ass with the the television set like I told you before. you disgust me. ah, somehow I ended up somewhere I don't even remember O yes it was Fass' old loft that I almost burned down burning apple crates in the ancient fireplace, me sleeping in a hammock nearby to stay warm, Fass hadn't paid rent in 17 years. it's a long story and I don't know it all. and then the damned missing mink stole I DIDN'T TAKE IT GODDAMMIT! the bitch upstairs stole it after denying me sex that she was having with everybody else in the building/ah don't get started on that again/i don't even remember all this shit, how I got to Maine 50 degrees below zero O YES they wouldn't let me in holy Canada ending up in Cardboard Town Presque Isle 14 months sitting in apartment overlooking center of town sleeping upright in terror of the bedroom which was bugged! YES IT WAS! fucking pedophile downstairs drunken braggart rented my place only to single women and lived underneath watching porno films and jacking off/i'm living in an AOL chatroom as the friendliest place on earth because I don't give a shit about anything in there and say anything I damned well please and nobody can punch me out for it/fuck 'em as Abbie said, fuck 'em. sitting there wishing I was dead. where the hell else could I go and do that? high drunk passed out only the quaint little library for relief and one friendly librarian with twinkling eyes behind cool glasses she knows she knows but what's the use? and finally one day a call cancer! CANCER! THANK YOU GOD! get me the fuck out of here thank You! O NO! they've cured it! goddammit "impossible" they said "5% chance of surviving the operation" they said (they say a lot of shit) chemoed radiated shaved cut scarred twisted hurting sick resigned irritated drugged humbled hurting lonely drinking queer hotel in Augusta/boys running around in underwear all night floor to floor DISGUSTING! but who gives a shit? not me. stuck on television hooked on tranqs sedated weak listless bored accepting what the hell HE must have something else for me ANOTHER LOST GIRLFRIEND! MORE FUCKLESS NIGHTS! NOBODY TO RUB MY FUCKING ACHING NECK! THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH MOTHERFUCKER! To be continued.